a bit of a story

Staring at the floor the darkness seemed to swell and breath. As if it was alive, alive and waiting to swallow her up into oblivion. ‎"I wonder if it could be alive" she thought to herself. It was a notion that if said out loud would be laughable. In her head it seemed half possible. 

Maybe she read too many books. Maybe her imagination stretched too far. But she was sure that somewhere in all that dark she could see a figure. 

"No" 

 She heard the figure say. Wait, she thought, I heard the. . . 

"Yes child, I spoke" 

"huhngg..." Was the only noise she could make. She was not afraid. Not entirely, she just didn't know what she should say to a dark figure that had appeared in her room out of the darkness Slowly she collected her thoughts. 

"Why... Why did you say no?" Seems like a rather silly thing to say when you have appeared out of no where in a ladies bedroom is what she was thinking. However it seemed ill advised to run off at the mouth to some strange apperation in ones room, it might harm her. ‎

"I say no, because the answer to the first question I am asked is always no" its (his?) voice was rich but cold, like a long dead prince who still took his aristocracy very seriously. 

Her better judgment was slipping away and the urge to be sharp and sarcastic with this stranger reared up. She may be weaker than he was but she could at least verbally attack him. "oh you just know what everyone will say do you? just who the hell do you think you are?! coming into my room in the middle of the night!? flaunting your ability to see the future apparently, why don't you skulk on out of here you fucking ass before I call the cops!"  

Even before it was all out of her mouth and hanging in the air like sick damp fog she knew that the words had no effect, that he had rendered them powerless and dull somehow. 

"why not ask the question I know you will ask"

he stated this with the authority that you had to respect, that you couldn't walk away from. ‎"Are...are you a vamp..." She couldn't make the word form properly. She couldn't say it, it sounded silly and a little scary at the same time. 

"A vampire? No, am I a deranged murderer? No, am I a demon no, am I here to rape you... No." "What I am cannot be explained in any way that you understand." "There is no term no explanation for what or who I am, I exist and that is all you need have known."  

The fact that he was not a vampire relieved her more than any of the other things he wasn't. It was over done the whole vampire business, in books in film in the fact that it was the first thing that popped into her head. What on earth was he then. This strange being. 

 "Are you a..." She started to ask "there is little point in playing a guessing game" he interjected "I have told you there are no words for what I really am." "Although that has never stopped your kind from trying" his voice took a tone of exasperated amusement "the most recent being an alien" he chuckled slightly under his breath.

 

 

its a little bit funny

correspondence in any form is a funny thing. Letters and notes can be saved but if they are thrown away or destroyed who is to say that what was written ever was? Texting and instant computer messages even are susceptible, once a message is deleted can you really prove you ever read what you did, or wrote the things that you think you have? I have found especially late at night if I have talked or messaged anyone and for one reason or another those messages get deleted or I was particularly tired it all seems very dream like and as if it never happened. Which can be disorienting at times. In one part of my brain I am certain I had a conversation typed or talked, but in another part I ask, but where is the proof? 

selfish? moi?

I get this feeling sometimes that the world is against me. . . I think that was a big thing from late 70's to the 90's. . . I remember some movies characters having that problem. . . mostly Wood Allen I think. Anyways, I feel like I try to reach out to the outside world and I get shat on. I know in the back of my brain (the part that has reason in it) that people have shit to do, no on knows this more than I. Friends or who ever cannot be at my beck and call. I don't think I truly expect them to be. But when I text someone or write them a message or something I don't think it is too much to ask to get a reply. Perhaps more? I try to keep up with texts, messages, posts and e-mails because I know I hate it when people don't ever get back to me.

Well, thats enough tiny violin talk.

I am learning to drive! weeee its pretty fun and my teacher John is very nice, a little crazy, but nice. A very good teacher, he has a way of letting you know you did something wrong (when it is not a huge deal) without sounding like a dick, and at the same time let you know that he knows you can do better. I have recently learned my body has had quite enough of garlic and onions. Mostly lots and lots, like Italian food, and Greek food style garlic. Lotsa garlic. Makes me sad cause i used to LOVE onions. Now just makes me feel a little sick.
The little man is doing ok, sleepless nights are still here, harder now though because less and less works with him. We HAVE to start using baby whisperer methods but it is just such a HUGE project to take on  alone. Ben is back to work now. He seems ok with it. sore though.His feet and back hurt.

Well that was my thing for the night. ( I had garlic stuff so now I have to go brush my teeth a million times)

weeee

Got me a new tattoo! whoop whooop! it hurt like hell but was easier than labor. I will maybe post a picture on the blog. It is under wraps right now on tattoo doctor orders. The bandage comes off tomorrow!

So for some reason I just can't sleep. Can't get comfy can't even feel sleepy in my eyes. I have a sneaky suspicion that my hubby can't sleep either. I just couldn't stay in bed anymore, maybe it is because of getting my tattoo today and all the pain and everything and I am just all excited in my brains. Well whatever the reason I better figure it out soon! I need sleep or I will be a major cranky face tomorrow.

I'm sure I've posted this, but, I have the most amazing husband on the face of this earth! it isn't that he does everything and carries out all my requests all the time. . . that isn't what makes a husband great. It isn't bringing home a huge paycheck or looking like a movie star. Its him making me laugh, putting up with all the silly shit I do. Its when he knows that I need a break and just takes William for a minute, or starting the coffee in the morning. Installing the sink, fixing the, well whatever needs fixing. Being there for me and letting me figure out my sleep and how to get it back to being with him in bed and not on the couch. He loves me for who I am, who I want to be, who I pretend to be and who I will be. I want the whole damn world to know that he is the greatest, and I wish I could give him everything he deserves all the time. Thank you for all of your love my sweet man. 

WEEEEEeeeeeEEEE The baby boy slept like a log last night! 7 straight hours! wow.
Now for the other things. I got my  tax return and it is a pretty penny so after I learn how to drive, buy a vanity for the bathroom and a mirror for the bathroom, I might just get me a tattoo! yeeehaw!
So a new game has come out for the 360. Its called LA Noire. Basically you are a police officer/detective in the late 1940's. You have to find clues and read faces to see if people are lying and get confessions or whatever outta em. There are also car chases and gun fights and great stuff like that. I have been playing it for every free minute I get, and because of that I like to look up things about that era. So I end up finding a great singer Woody Guthrie, and an amazing photographer Dorothea Lange. As I blog a possible thunderstorm is on its way! it may sound weird but William sleeps real good during storms. 
I'm finding a real comfy little. . . I don't want to say rut but its kinda like that, but in a good way. I have my routine, and I'm really happy with what life is giving me, not just love and babies, but as dirty as it sounds, material things. You try hard to be above material gains, but having a nice looking house makes me feel good. and a nice looking house requires nice things. I find myself just smiling like a jackass sometimes just thinking about the nice things I have. I get goopy about non material things too, like William doing baby things or something like that. 

anyhoo, I just realized there is a mountain of dishes and laundry, better get to mah wifely duties!

Ah as my father pointed out I have not blogged in quite a while. There are many reasons for this. . . reasons I cannot remember but seemed important at the time. Not a whole lot has happened really, little things. We got 2 new rugs, they were on sale and with hardwood throughout the house a rug was a smart investment. William is army crawling! He does get up on all fours but then he usually cries about it. I think its because he doesn't know what to do next. We are into the land of Solid food and he LOVES it. So far he has tried prunes, sweet potatoes, butternut squash, apple sauce, pears, PEACHES, peas, Wax beans, carrots, mixed veggies. . . annnnd I think that is all. I guess I do the wrong thing by giving him fruit with his veggies, but whatever.

My hair is gone gone gone! finally I got up the courage to cut it off. There wasn't really much there, but I was worried that really short hair would make me look like a chubby butch lesbian (no offense to butch lesbians chubby or otherwise)  We have been working as much as we can on getting our bathroom finally finished though to tell the truth having a sink in the bathroom now will seem so weird. . . I have been exploring my cooking abilities in the form of pit pies and salads. It is nice to have something different now and again.

We have cleaned out A LOT of the basement. many many things got given away. They may have been ours they may have not been. To be honest if whomever the things belonged to hasn't asked us for them or asked about them by now they can obviously live without them. I myself threw away many sentimental items. They just make me feel weird and sad. . . like if I had lost someone close to me and I still had their things. . . like you feel like you want to go back so hard it hurts. I haven't lost anyone close to me recently, but that's how it feels for those of you who know what I mean. Anyways I didn't like that feeling so I threw the things causing it away. We still have way too many things, 6 couches. . . for a house this size. . . waaaaay too many. Sigh slowly but surely we will get rid of the crap.

William sleeps an average of about 4 hours, sometimes a little more, other times a little less. I still miss my old life a lot, mostly being able to yell at night, or not think about how loud footsteps in the hall can be. My hunny and I were so disappointed in the conservative majority. . . I think that it may be wearing off a little now. We can always rise up against them if they do something really really wrong I guess.

Well I think that about does it for what has happened. Now what is on my mind tonight. . .

**warning the following has stuff about icky lady things that may be offensive to some readers**


I am not a thin girl, I used to be, but after years of drink and a comfortable relationship that all changed. Anyhoo. After having William I'm not sure if it was going from small whale size to pretty chubby or what, but I have felt. . . pretty ok about myself for the most part. Well being a girl and having been preggers and breast feeding I haven't had a M-cycle for. . .oh fuck a year? maybe more. So I get it out of the blue, well there were signs but again after not having it for a year I sorta forgot such things existed. So here I am with a stupid M-cycle and I'm mad as hell, now I have to change the baby AND myself, I already had enough on my damn plate. So, not thinking I put on my face book status "dear body; I hate you regretfully yours Me." now nothing against anyone who posted on that status I know they were just saying something kind. . . and maybe they meant something different than how I took it. The way I took was "aw you are perfect even though you are fat" I mean I wasn't going there at all buts that how it was taken which leads me to believe I hadn't lost any weight from before the pregnancy and so on. . . Any how I feel like if I was thin like I used to be then people would have never taken it in the fat direction, they would have asked what was wrong. . . well thats what I was thinking about.

time to fold some clothes. maybe go to bed.

As I write this my son is in his crib, "talking" and kinda whining. I am having one of those days where it feels like the world is against me. It is silly to think that a tiny baby would be able to understand everything that is going on and then make plans to sabotage it. Today for example the bright spot would be me being able to go out with the family to get boots for Ben and then some groceries at Wal-Mart. But William has decided that even though he has been up since 745am he only needed to sleep for 45mins when put to bed at 1pm for nap time. It is driving me bonkers! I hear "don't keep him up too much or he will be over tired and hard to put to sleep" and so we give him one 2 hour nap a day no later than 1pm and then he is awake until 8pm. . . that worked. . . for one night. He seems to be hungry all the freakin time too, so of course we start to introduce him to food. He hates it. So then I think he just doesn't want to eat it because he wants me to be his boobie slave the rest of his life! it is a fleeting and ridiculous thought. At this very moment I just want my old life back. Once he smiles at me again I will not be able to imagine life without him. . . until then though.

Would it be wrong to let him just cry until he sleeps?

I wish I could be stronger, better at being a parent.

Ever notice how much better things seem when the baby is sleeping. . . ?  he is so amazing, so sweet so perfect, so smart. . . until he wakes up screaming. I have so many irrational feelings like I want to scream at him to shut up. . . but he doesn't know what that means and the yelling would just make him cry more.

Well I suppose I should get him and figure him out. . . but if anyone wants to take my baby and fix him. . . that would be just fine with me.