Ah as my father pointed out I have not blogged in quite a while. There are many reasons for this. . . reasons I cannot remember but seemed important at the time. Not a whole lot has happened really, little things. We got 2 new rugs, they were on sale and with hardwood throughout the house a rug was a smart investment. William is army crawling! He does get up on all fours but then he usually cries about it. I think its because he doesn't know what to do next. We are into the land of Solid food and he LOVES it. So far he has tried prunes, sweet potatoes, butternut squash, apple sauce, pears, PEACHES, peas, Wax beans, carrots, mixed veggies. . . annnnd I think that is all. I guess I do the wrong thing by giving him fruit with his veggies, but whatever.

My hair is gone gone gone! finally I got up the courage to cut it off. There wasn't really much there, but I was worried that really short hair would make me look like a chubby butch lesbian (no offense to butch lesbians chubby or otherwise)  We have been working as much as we can on getting our bathroom finally finished though to tell the truth having a sink in the bathroom now will seem so weird. . . I have been exploring my cooking abilities in the form of pit pies and salads. It is nice to have something different now and again.

We have cleaned out A LOT of the basement. many many things got given away. They may have been ours they may have not been. To be honest if whomever the things belonged to hasn't asked us for them or asked about them by now they can obviously live without them. I myself threw away many sentimental items. They just make me feel weird and sad. . . like if I had lost someone close to me and I still had their things. . . like you feel like you want to go back so hard it hurts. I haven't lost anyone close to me recently, but that's how it feels for those of you who know what I mean. Anyways I didn't like that feeling so I threw the things causing it away. We still have way too many things, 6 couches. . . for a house this size. . . waaaaay too many. Sigh slowly but surely we will get rid of the crap.

William sleeps an average of about 4 hours, sometimes a little more, other times a little less. I still miss my old life a lot, mostly being able to yell at night, or not think about how loud footsteps in the hall can be. My hunny and I were so disappointed in the conservative majority. . . I think that it may be wearing off a little now. We can always rise up against them if they do something really really wrong I guess.

Well I think that about does it for what has happened. Now what is on my mind tonight. . .

**warning the following has stuff about icky lady things that may be offensive to some readers**


I am not a thin girl, I used to be, but after years of drink and a comfortable relationship that all changed. Anyhoo. After having William I'm not sure if it was going from small whale size to pretty chubby or what, but I have felt. . . pretty ok about myself for the most part. Well being a girl and having been preggers and breast feeding I haven't had a M-cycle for. . .oh fuck a year? maybe more. So I get it out of the blue, well there were signs but again after not having it for a year I sorta forgot such things existed. So here I am with a stupid M-cycle and I'm mad as hell, now I have to change the baby AND myself, I already had enough on my damn plate. So, not thinking I put on my face book status "dear body; I hate you regretfully yours Me." now nothing against anyone who posted on that status I know they were just saying something kind. . . and maybe they meant something different than how I took it. The way I took was "aw you are perfect even though you are fat" I mean I wasn't going there at all buts that how it was taken which leads me to believe I hadn't lost any weight from before the pregnancy and so on. . . Any how I feel like if I was thin like I used to be then people would have never taken it in the fat direction, they would have asked what was wrong. . . well thats what I was thinking about.

time to fold some clothes. maybe go to bed.

As I write this my son is in his crib, "talking" and kinda whining. I am having one of those days where it feels like the world is against me. It is silly to think that a tiny baby would be able to understand everything that is going on and then make plans to sabotage it. Today for example the bright spot would be me being able to go out with the family to get boots for Ben and then some groceries at Wal-Mart. But William has decided that even though he has been up since 745am he only needed to sleep for 45mins when put to bed at 1pm for nap time. It is driving me bonkers! I hear "don't keep him up too much or he will be over tired and hard to put to sleep" and so we give him one 2 hour nap a day no later than 1pm and then he is awake until 8pm. . . that worked. . . for one night. He seems to be hungry all the freakin time too, so of course we start to introduce him to food. He hates it. So then I think he just doesn't want to eat it because he wants me to be his boobie slave the rest of his life! it is a fleeting and ridiculous thought. At this very moment I just want my old life back. Once he smiles at me again I will not be able to imagine life without him. . . until then though.

Would it be wrong to let him just cry until he sleeps?

I wish I could be stronger, better at being a parent.

Ever notice how much better things seem when the baby is sleeping. . . ?  he is so amazing, so sweet so perfect, so smart. . . until he wakes up screaming. I have so many irrational feelings like I want to scream at him to shut up. . . but he doesn't know what that means and the yelling would just make him cry more.

Well I suppose I should get him and figure him out. . . but if anyone wants to take my baby and fix him. . . that would be just fine with me.