mommy powers

I have read a couple momma blogs and an article or two about motherhood. Funny things and neat things. I thought I would compile my own list of the things that happen when you become a mom.

1. You develop ninja like stealth. There is no way you will wake that baby up. (you will also force this stealth upon a chosen few)
2. You have the ability to stand/rock for an incredible length of time and you can sit frozen in the same spot with baby attached for what seems like hours without a second thought.
3. You are able to ignore what have now become minor discomforts if it means the baby will sleep. Such as having to pee or not scratching an itch while baby sleeps in your arms.
4. Hearing becomes enhanced it seems. But only while the baby is asleep. Any noise within a 2 mile radius is way too loud.
5. Multi tasking becomes second nature. While you cannot remember to get half of what you were supposed to at the grocery store you do remember to get everything plus 2 of what the baby needs and you can get home with only minutes to spare at his lunch time and still get him fed and in bed on time.
6. Lips become a thermometer.
7. Incredible balance. Able to balance on one foot to support the bum of a baby you are holding with one arm. The other arm busy brushing your teeth. Screw patting your head and rubbing your belly. Also have put my leg in his crib to hook his blanket with my foot.

As far as I am concerned while a mother is an amazing creature, we would be better served if  we actually evolved for motherhood. This would require at least two extra arms or at least the ability to multiply and then merge together again. Also milk should actually keep the baby asleep for at least eight hours. Mind reading would also be welcome. Also no mom should have to deal with pregnancy weight, we should gain it and as soon as baby is gone we should snap right back to previous weight that instant. If more weight is lost or gained after that it is on us. No more blaming the baby weight!

well thats all for tonight. :)

at the risk of being weepy

I really miss my friends. It wasn't their fault I know that. I had a life to build, a husband and a baby. I left them long before this though. I left when drinking wasn't fun anymore, and it seemed that's all that they wanted to do. I left when the best feeling in the world wasn't getting high or drunk but snuggling with my sweetie. But now I miss them. Now I wish them back, I wish the parties back. If only for a night. . . . or two. Its hard to see them out having fun, laughing, and not being afraid every second that their fun will be cut short by a baby that won't go back to sleep without his mamma. Not worrying about how much noise is caused by stumbling through the doorway with the favorites of the night in tow to continue the fun in the comfort of a house. They are free, and I am not. Don't misunderstand, I love my family, my sweet William and my wonderful husband. I like to keep house and to have a pretty uneventful, stable and hangover free (for the most part) life. It doesn't mean I can't want to run away and party with my friends. I wish they knew how much I regret not hanging out when I could, that I miss them more than I thought I would. That a little part of me is trying to shine through to not be smothered by laundry and diapers. To not be drowned out by crying, ringing phones and snores. I don't want all that was once me, the free fun loving drink all night smoke all day girl to die. I never wanted that part of me to die, just to be put onto a shelf, but it is dying and I cannot stop it, and there is no one left to care if it does. They have left me.

I miss my friends. . . . I really miss my friends

lazy lazy

So day by day I start to notice a little more free time here and there. I notice that I am not bat shit crazy ALL of the time from lack of sleep, and when problems arise I have more solutions than I did 11 months ago. Even though things are getting better and better I let things slide which annoys me and makes me sad at the time but then I forget about them and they slide away again. While I have the time to run downstairs and throw in some laundry or quickly put away the pots before Mr. W decides he wants to crawl into the cupboard, I have not had the time to do my art or really think of something to write on my blog. A lot has happened though. Such as? well I am glad no one asked! Mr. William is turning the big 01! it is insane to think he has been here for an entire year (November 15th) its like I have known him forever and never at the same time. He changes so much now! his favorite games include chase me down the hardwood hallway while I run away on my knees, and the very popular crawl backwards off the bed and onto the floor cause I'm a big boy now! he has also decided bobbies are not so awesome anymore. They are lame when they are attached to your mom. He is growing up so fast! *sob* now my brain doesn't want to think anymore just mindlessly stare at things I want to order off the internet for Christmas!

baby blues

While I do not actually have real baby blues I do have general baby confusion and frustration.
Previous blogs were a lot about sleep or lack thereof. Now its about actually living and the day to day stuff. Such as; what am I doing wrong?!?!?! I have this very strange nagging feeling in the back of my head saying I am doing something wrong. I know that I wanted him to have zero TV growing up, but ya right! I mean he doesn't watch the kid crap. We watch grownup shows together. I have been told and have read that babies can see something scary on TV and it can make them have bad dreams or something. I was thinking though, a baby has no idea what is scary! they don't know that this guy getting his head cut off is bad. For all he knows the gabboo gabber or whatever other kid show shit is the devil. Anyhow I know that I maybe I watch too much on the TV, but I think I play with him a lot. I interact with him and talk to him, chase him down the hall. . . he still hasn't said momma, he babbles nonsense. He doesn't call his dad "dada" or me either. He says dada and sometimes we happen to be in the room, but he doesn't seem to be saying it to define who we are. It worries me.
"Having a baby will change your life forever" when you are having a baby you hear that A LOT from other moms, grandmothers and some dads. You read it and you see it and in general you know it. But how will it change? everyones life changes in different ways. I have found that loud noises bother me, and I cannot relax in my own bed, only on the couch can I really let myself relax. I have noticed a diet change, I eat less, sometimes faster, cause I don't have time to have a lot or to take too long. Little ones are not so good at being in one place too long. There are things that I refuse to compromise. I will not go out without makeup or in anything not clothes (sweats or p-jays) and. . . well that's all I can think of. . . and this is all I have the mental strength to write

a bit of a story

Staring at the floor the darkness seemed to swell and breath. As if it was alive, alive and waiting to swallow her up into oblivion. ‎"I wonder if it could be alive" she thought to herself. It was a notion that if said out loud would be laughable. In her head it seemed half possible. 

Maybe she read too many books. Maybe her imagination stretched too far. But she was sure that somewhere in all that dark she could see a figure. 

"No" 

 She heard the figure say. Wait, she thought, I heard the. . . 

"Yes child, I spoke" 

"huhngg..." Was the only noise she could make. She was not afraid. Not entirely, she just didn't know what she should say to a dark figure that had appeared in her room out of the darkness Slowly she collected her thoughts. 

"Why... Why did you say no?" Seems like a rather silly thing to say when you have appeared out of no where in a ladies bedroom is what she was thinking. However it seemed ill advised to run off at the mouth to some strange apperation in ones room, it might harm her. ‎

"I say no, because the answer to the first question I am asked is always no" its (his?) voice was rich but cold, like a long dead prince who still took his aristocracy very seriously. 

Her better judgment was slipping away and the urge to be sharp and sarcastic with this stranger reared up. She may be weaker than he was but she could at least verbally attack him. "oh you just know what everyone will say do you? just who the hell do you think you are?! coming into my room in the middle of the night!? flaunting your ability to see the future apparently, why don't you skulk on out of here you fucking ass before I call the cops!"  

Even before it was all out of her mouth and hanging in the air like sick damp fog she knew that the words had no effect, that he had rendered them powerless and dull somehow. 

"why not ask the question I know you will ask"

he stated this with the authority that you had to respect, that you couldn't walk away from. ‎"Are...are you a vamp..." She couldn't make the word form properly. She couldn't say it, it sounded silly and a little scary at the same time. 

"A vampire? No, am I a deranged murderer? No, am I a demon no, am I here to rape you... No." "What I am cannot be explained in any way that you understand." "There is no term no explanation for what or who I am, I exist and that is all you need have known."  

The fact that he was not a vampire relieved her more than any of the other things he wasn't. It was over done the whole vampire business, in books in film in the fact that it was the first thing that popped into her head. What on earth was he then. This strange being. 

 "Are you a..." She started to ask "there is little point in playing a guessing game" he interjected "I have told you there are no words for what I really am." "Although that has never stopped your kind from trying" his voice took a tone of exasperated amusement "the most recent being an alien" he chuckled slightly under his breath.

 

 

its a little bit funny

correspondence in any form is a funny thing. Letters and notes can be saved but if they are thrown away or destroyed who is to say that what was written ever was? Texting and instant computer messages even are susceptible, once a message is deleted can you really prove you ever read what you did, or wrote the things that you think you have? I have found especially late at night if I have talked or messaged anyone and for one reason or another those messages get deleted or I was particularly tired it all seems very dream like and as if it never happened. Which can be disorienting at times. In one part of my brain I am certain I had a conversation typed or talked, but in another part I ask, but where is the proof? 

selfish? moi?

I get this feeling sometimes that the world is against me. . . I think that was a big thing from late 70's to the 90's. . . I remember some movies characters having that problem. . . mostly Wood Allen I think. Anyways, I feel like I try to reach out to the outside world and I get shat on. I know in the back of my brain (the part that has reason in it) that people have shit to do, no on knows this more than I. Friends or who ever cannot be at my beck and call. I don't think I truly expect them to be. But when I text someone or write them a message or something I don't think it is too much to ask to get a reply. Perhaps more? I try to keep up with texts, messages, posts and e-mails because I know I hate it when people don't ever get back to me.

Well, thats enough tiny violin talk.

I am learning to drive! weeee its pretty fun and my teacher John is very nice, a little crazy, but nice. A very good teacher, he has a way of letting you know you did something wrong (when it is not a huge deal) without sounding like a dick, and at the same time let you know that he knows you can do better. I have recently learned my body has had quite enough of garlic and onions. Mostly lots and lots, like Italian food, and Greek food style garlic. Lotsa garlic. Makes me sad cause i used to LOVE onions. Now just makes me feel a little sick.
The little man is doing ok, sleepless nights are still here, harder now though because less and less works with him. We HAVE to start using baby whisperer methods but it is just such a HUGE project to take on  alone. Ben is back to work now. He seems ok with it. sore though.His feet and back hurt.

Well that was my thing for the night. ( I had garlic stuff so now I have to go brush my teeth a million times)