long time no type

Good question...

Conspiracy....Fear...or maybe just too much time on your hands? I don't know if I am being ignorant or close minded but I refuse to believe that we are being sprayed with chemicals, or that we would never be able to get our current leader out of office if we had to. I don't believe using a microwave oven is poisoning myself or my family and I believe in getting my flu shots and my children's flu shots as well as all other vaccinations. Am I wrong? are they wrong? or is it that we cling to what makes us feel right, safe, or even important/better than others? I don't want other peoples crazy opinions to drive me up a wall, but they do (thanks facebook). I want to prove them wrong, to show them that they don't have to be so scared all of the time. No one is tapping your phone line, the government doesn't give a shit about the little things that you do!
 It is useless of course to try and convince many of these people that they are wrong or even at least 65% wrong.  They hold to these theories and beliefs the same way the religious hold to their beliefs and theories; with white knuckles. Desperately clinging to something that will make them feel like they are in the know. That they are clever enough to see through something. It won't change, it is useless to argue. Too bad it is driving me crazy.

On to brighter lighter things! I am currently attempting a DIY project in the form of doily lamps. Well one doily lamp. They are not as easy as the instructions suggested but it seems to be coming along alright. Oh also if anyone new joined my blog I am pregnant again! this time with a girl. She is due July 23rd and we are having a planned C-section. This is because of the awful time we had with William. I didn't progress and had to have a C-section anyways. This way at least I know what is coming. Her name is all picked out Sophia Elizabeth G. We think it goes nicely with William and it is such a sweet and  soft name. I want to type more but I think I need to spend some time with my sweet hubby. I will update this again soon (if I remember) and maybe post a picture of the lamp!

falling into it

This will be short.

Do you ever look at a picture that evokes a memory or think really hard on the history of a relationship (especially close family ones) and feel this need to be there, but more than to re live it. It is like you need to be there, like you are trapped here but somewhere else in time is where you were really supposed to be. I got this feeling today. Maybe it is because i am having a second child when the first is not even out of diapers. I know that any semblance of a life I reclaimed will now go back out the window. So I look at a picture of a 8 year old me catching raindrops in my mouth and I wish so hard to be her again. To be safe with no worries or responsibilities. Everything taken care of for me. I want to crawl into a picture and stay there.

Then I look again and it s only a picture of an event I do not remember. It is me in the photo but the day doesn't stand out. I remember that I love my William and that a new baby will be a challenge but also a tiny gift. Besides I think I can probably let William raise it most of the way ;) that is how it works right?

The dicks of Wall Street

Right out of the gate I will say I am not rich. I wish I was rich, but I think most everyone does. I am not on anyone's side for the occupy movement. I can see both sides of the coin and both sides are pretty dirty. I have friends and family some who support this movement, what seems like, blindly. Siding with the poor because of their own prejudices or already held conceptions/misconceptions of corporations and government. From what I have read and heard there is a need for these people to be heard. They are worried for their future and for the future of their children. I can respect that. I have also read that their ideas of what is wrong with the way the country is running and how to fix it are skewed again by their own and sometimes popular belief. Money is awesome. I can buy goods and services with it, I love buying goods and services with money. It feels good, it is fun and it gives us a way to measure ourselves. I know no one really reads this but just in case; no boo-ing about how money is used to measure our worth and how the earth and air and bunnies and flowers are more important. We have a need to be measured, to be found acceptable or wanting and if found wanting we strive to become acceptable. It is wired into us from prehistoric man. but instead of brute strength and leadership it is now money. The same thing would be done with beans or rice or beads. It doesn't matter there will ALWAYS be the haves and the have nots. This is where the protest loses any appeal for me. What do they think they will do? we cannot all be equal (not in a monetary sense) . There are too many people to get everyone jobs. To be quite frank and open about my feelings here they are kind of acting like children. Maybe I am missing the point. Maybe they do have a better plan, but until I am shown what that is it feels to me like some people thought "oh no fair!" and decided to throw a fit. This fit just happens to be contagious due to the bad economic situation. In many cases the rich have worked hard and long for what they have and they have not done anything illegal and many have not done anything immoral, well not related to business any way. Corporations can be big and scary and seem like they are walking all over the little guy and shoving their way into any nook and cranny they can find. I will not say they are squeky clean, there have been bad and terrible decisions made by the big guns. Some corporations and some people do walk all over the little guy. I know that they are also protesting the hand corporations have in government. I wonder though would everyone be so upset if corporations had the same hand in the government but it was planting trees and cleaning the homeless? or would there still be outrage? did the bank bailouts really only help BANKERS keep their salaries or did it help a single mother keep her bank teller job? help a man who works security keep putting himself through night school to becoming something more? I don't know where this is going to end up. At this point it looks like an attempt to re-live the feeling of Woodstock (and for the younger gen to feel that power and unity) I myself am happy to be middle class. Sure we struggle, it isn't always peaches and rainbows but we are not about to blame other people for ALL of our problems. Its called being an adult.

mommy powers

I have read a couple momma blogs and an article or two about motherhood. Funny things and neat things. I thought I would compile my own list of the things that happen when you become a mom.

1. You develop ninja like stealth. There is no way you will wake that baby up. (you will also force this stealth upon a chosen few)
2. You have the ability to stand/rock for an incredible length of time and you can sit frozen in the same spot with baby attached for what seems like hours without a second thought.
3. You are able to ignore what have now become minor discomforts if it means the baby will sleep. Such as having to pee or not scratching an itch while baby sleeps in your arms.
4. Hearing becomes enhanced it seems. But only while the baby is asleep. Any noise within a 2 mile radius is way too loud.
5. Multi tasking becomes second nature. While you cannot remember to get half of what you were supposed to at the grocery store you do remember to get everything plus 2 of what the baby needs and you can get home with only minutes to spare at his lunch time and still get him fed and in bed on time.
6. Lips become a thermometer.
7. Incredible balance. Able to balance on one foot to support the bum of a baby you are holding with one arm. The other arm busy brushing your teeth. Screw patting your head and rubbing your belly. Also have put my leg in his crib to hook his blanket with my foot.

As far as I am concerned while a mother is an amazing creature, we would be better served if  we actually evolved for motherhood. This would require at least two extra arms or at least the ability to multiply and then merge together again. Also milk should actually keep the baby asleep for at least eight hours. Mind reading would also be welcome. Also no mom should have to deal with pregnancy weight, we should gain it and as soon as baby is gone we should snap right back to previous weight that instant. If more weight is lost or gained after that it is on us. No more blaming the baby weight!

well thats all for tonight. :)

at the risk of being weepy

I really miss my friends. It wasn't their fault I know that. I had a life to build, a husband and a baby. I left them long before this though. I left when drinking wasn't fun anymore, and it seemed that's all that they wanted to do. I left when the best feeling in the world wasn't getting high or drunk but snuggling with my sweetie. But now I miss them. Now I wish them back, I wish the parties back. If only for a night. . . . or two. Its hard to see them out having fun, laughing, and not being afraid every second that their fun will be cut short by a baby that won't go back to sleep without his mamma. Not worrying about how much noise is caused by stumbling through the doorway with the favorites of the night in tow to continue the fun in the comfort of a house. They are free, and I am not. Don't misunderstand, I love my family, my sweet William and my wonderful husband. I like to keep house and to have a pretty uneventful, stable and hangover free (for the most part) life. It doesn't mean I can't want to run away and party with my friends. I wish they knew how much I regret not hanging out when I could, that I miss them more than I thought I would. That a little part of me is trying to shine through to not be smothered by laundry and diapers. To not be drowned out by crying, ringing phones and snores. I don't want all that was once me, the free fun loving drink all night smoke all day girl to die. I never wanted that part of me to die, just to be put onto a shelf, but it is dying and I cannot stop it, and there is no one left to care if it does. They have left me.

I miss my friends. . . . I really miss my friends

lazy lazy

So day by day I start to notice a little more free time here and there. I notice that I am not bat shit crazy ALL of the time from lack of sleep, and when problems arise I have more solutions than I did 11 months ago. Even though things are getting better and better I let things slide which annoys me and makes me sad at the time but then I forget about them and they slide away again. While I have the time to run downstairs and throw in some laundry or quickly put away the pots before Mr. W decides he wants to crawl into the cupboard, I have not had the time to do my art or really think of something to write on my blog. A lot has happened though. Such as? well I am glad no one asked! Mr. William is turning the big 01! it is insane to think he has been here for an entire year (November 15th) its like I have known him forever and never at the same time. He changes so much now! his favorite games include chase me down the hardwood hallway while I run away on my knees, and the very popular crawl backwards off the bed and onto the floor cause I'm a big boy now! he has also decided bobbies are not so awesome anymore. They are lame when they are attached to your mom. He is growing up so fast! *sob* now my brain doesn't want to think anymore just mindlessly stare at things I want to order off the internet for Christmas!

baby blues

While I do not actually have real baby blues I do have general baby confusion and frustration.
Previous blogs were a lot about sleep or lack thereof. Now its about actually living and the day to day stuff. Such as; what am I doing wrong?!?!?! I have this very strange nagging feeling in the back of my head saying I am doing something wrong. I know that I wanted him to have zero TV growing up, but ya right! I mean he doesn't watch the kid crap. We watch grownup shows together. I have been told and have read that babies can see something scary on TV and it can make them have bad dreams or something. I was thinking though, a baby has no idea what is scary! they don't know that this guy getting his head cut off is bad. For all he knows the gabboo gabber or whatever other kid show shit is the devil. Anyhow I know that I maybe I watch too much on the TV, but I think I play with him a lot. I interact with him and talk to him, chase him down the hall. . . he still hasn't said momma, he babbles nonsense. He doesn't call his dad "dada" or me either. He says dada and sometimes we happen to be in the room, but he doesn't seem to be saying it to define who we are. It worries me.
"Having a baby will change your life forever" when you are having a baby you hear that A LOT from other moms, grandmothers and some dads. You read it and you see it and in general you know it. But how will it change? everyones life changes in different ways. I have found that loud noises bother me, and I cannot relax in my own bed, only on the couch can I really let myself relax. I have noticed a diet change, I eat less, sometimes faster, cause I don't have time to have a lot or to take too long. Little ones are not so good at being in one place too long. There are things that I refuse to compromise. I will not go out without makeup or in anything not clothes (sweats or p-jays) and. . . well that's all I can think of. . . and this is all I have the mental strength to write