falling into it

This will be short.

Do you ever look at a picture that evokes a memory or think really hard on the history of a relationship (especially close family ones) and feel this need to be there, but more than to re live it. It is like you need to be there, like you are trapped here but somewhere else in time is where you were really supposed to be. I got this feeling today. Maybe it is because i am having a second child when the first is not even out of diapers. I know that any semblance of a life I reclaimed will now go back out the window. So I look at a picture of a 8 year old me catching raindrops in my mouth and I wish so hard to be her again. To be safe with no worries or responsibilities. Everything taken care of for me. I want to crawl into a picture and stay there.

Then I look again and it s only a picture of an event I do not remember. It is me in the photo but the day doesn't stand out. I remember that I love my William and that a new baby will be a challenge but also a tiny gift. Besides I think I can probably let William raise it most of the way ;) that is how it works right?

The dicks of Wall Street

Right out of the gate I will say I am not rich. I wish I was rich, but I think most everyone does. I am not on anyone's side for the occupy movement. I can see both sides of the coin and both sides are pretty dirty. I have friends and family some who support this movement, what seems like, blindly. Siding with the poor because of their own prejudices or already held conceptions/misconceptions of corporations and government. From what I have read and heard there is a need for these people to be heard. They are worried for their future and for the future of their children. I can respect that. I have also read that their ideas of what is wrong with the way the country is running and how to fix it are skewed again by their own and sometimes popular belief. Money is awesome. I can buy goods and services with it, I love buying goods and services with money. It feels good, it is fun and it gives us a way to measure ourselves. I know no one really reads this but just in case; no boo-ing about how money is used to measure our worth and how the earth and air and bunnies and flowers are more important. We have a need to be measured, to be found acceptable or wanting and if found wanting we strive to become acceptable. It is wired into us from prehistoric man. but instead of brute strength and leadership it is now money. The same thing would be done with beans or rice or beads. It doesn't matter there will ALWAYS be the haves and the have nots. This is where the protest loses any appeal for me. What do they think they will do? we cannot all be equal (not in a monetary sense) . There are too many people to get everyone jobs. To be quite frank and open about my feelings here they are kind of acting like children. Maybe I am missing the point. Maybe they do have a better plan, but until I am shown what that is it feels to me like some people thought "oh no fair!" and decided to throw a fit. This fit just happens to be contagious due to the bad economic situation. In many cases the rich have worked hard and long for what they have and they have not done anything illegal and many have not done anything immoral, well not related to business any way. Corporations can be big and scary and seem like they are walking all over the little guy and shoving their way into any nook and cranny they can find. I will not say they are squeky clean, there have been bad and terrible decisions made by the big guns. Some corporations and some people do walk all over the little guy. I know that they are also protesting the hand corporations have in government. I wonder though would everyone be so upset if corporations had the same hand in the government but it was planting trees and cleaning the homeless? or would there still be outrage? did the bank bailouts really only help BANKERS keep their salaries or did it help a single mother keep her bank teller job? help a man who works security keep putting himself through night school to becoming something more? I don't know where this is going to end up. At this point it looks like an attempt to re-live the feeling of Woodstock (and for the younger gen to feel that power and unity) I myself am happy to be middle class. Sure we struggle, it isn't always peaches and rainbows but we are not about to blame other people for ALL of our problems. Its called being an adult.

mommy powers

I have read a couple momma blogs and an article or two about motherhood. Funny things and neat things. I thought I would compile my own list of the things that happen when you become a mom.

1. You develop ninja like stealth. There is no way you will wake that baby up. (you will also force this stealth upon a chosen few)
2. You have the ability to stand/rock for an incredible length of time and you can sit frozen in the same spot with baby attached for what seems like hours without a second thought.
3. You are able to ignore what have now become minor discomforts if it means the baby will sleep. Such as having to pee or not scratching an itch while baby sleeps in your arms.
4. Hearing becomes enhanced it seems. But only while the baby is asleep. Any noise within a 2 mile radius is way too loud.
5. Multi tasking becomes second nature. While you cannot remember to get half of what you were supposed to at the grocery store you do remember to get everything plus 2 of what the baby needs and you can get home with only minutes to spare at his lunch time and still get him fed and in bed on time.
6. Lips become a thermometer.
7. Incredible balance. Able to balance on one foot to support the bum of a baby you are holding with one arm. The other arm busy brushing your teeth. Screw patting your head and rubbing your belly. Also have put my leg in his crib to hook his blanket with my foot.

As far as I am concerned while a mother is an amazing creature, we would be better served if  we actually evolved for motherhood. This would require at least two extra arms or at least the ability to multiply and then merge together again. Also milk should actually keep the baby asleep for at least eight hours. Mind reading would also be welcome. Also no mom should have to deal with pregnancy weight, we should gain it and as soon as baby is gone we should snap right back to previous weight that instant. If more weight is lost or gained after that it is on us. No more blaming the baby weight!

well thats all for tonight. :)

at the risk of being weepy

I really miss my friends. It wasn't their fault I know that. I had a life to build, a husband and a baby. I left them long before this though. I left when drinking wasn't fun anymore, and it seemed that's all that they wanted to do. I left when the best feeling in the world wasn't getting high or drunk but snuggling with my sweetie. But now I miss them. Now I wish them back, I wish the parties back. If only for a night. . . . or two. Its hard to see them out having fun, laughing, and not being afraid every second that their fun will be cut short by a baby that won't go back to sleep without his mamma. Not worrying about how much noise is caused by stumbling through the doorway with the favorites of the night in tow to continue the fun in the comfort of a house. They are free, and I am not. Don't misunderstand, I love my family, my sweet William and my wonderful husband. I like to keep house and to have a pretty uneventful, stable and hangover free (for the most part) life. It doesn't mean I can't want to run away and party with my friends. I wish they knew how much I regret not hanging out when I could, that I miss them more than I thought I would. That a little part of me is trying to shine through to not be smothered by laundry and diapers. To not be drowned out by crying, ringing phones and snores. I don't want all that was once me, the free fun loving drink all night smoke all day girl to die. I never wanted that part of me to die, just to be put onto a shelf, but it is dying and I cannot stop it, and there is no one left to care if it does. They have left me.

I miss my friends. . . . I really miss my friends

lazy lazy

So day by day I start to notice a little more free time here and there. I notice that I am not bat shit crazy ALL of the time from lack of sleep, and when problems arise I have more solutions than I did 11 months ago. Even though things are getting better and better I let things slide which annoys me and makes me sad at the time but then I forget about them and they slide away again. While I have the time to run downstairs and throw in some laundry or quickly put away the pots before Mr. W decides he wants to crawl into the cupboard, I have not had the time to do my art or really think of something to write on my blog. A lot has happened though. Such as? well I am glad no one asked! Mr. William is turning the big 01! it is insane to think he has been here for an entire year (November 15th) its like I have known him forever and never at the same time. He changes so much now! his favorite games include chase me down the hardwood hallway while I run away on my knees, and the very popular crawl backwards off the bed and onto the floor cause I'm a big boy now! he has also decided bobbies are not so awesome anymore. They are lame when they are attached to your mom. He is growing up so fast! *sob* now my brain doesn't want to think anymore just mindlessly stare at things I want to order off the internet for Christmas!

baby blues

While I do not actually have real baby blues I do have general baby confusion and frustration.
Previous blogs were a lot about sleep or lack thereof. Now its about actually living and the day to day stuff. Such as; what am I doing wrong?!?!?! I have this very strange nagging feeling in the back of my head saying I am doing something wrong. I know that I wanted him to have zero TV growing up, but ya right! I mean he doesn't watch the kid crap. We watch grownup shows together. I have been told and have read that babies can see something scary on TV and it can make them have bad dreams or something. I was thinking though, a baby has no idea what is scary! they don't know that this guy getting his head cut off is bad. For all he knows the gabboo gabber or whatever other kid show shit is the devil. Anyhow I know that I maybe I watch too much on the TV, but I think I play with him a lot. I interact with him and talk to him, chase him down the hall. . . he still hasn't said momma, he babbles nonsense. He doesn't call his dad "dada" or me either. He says dada and sometimes we happen to be in the room, but he doesn't seem to be saying it to define who we are. It worries me.
"Having a baby will change your life forever" when you are having a baby you hear that A LOT from other moms, grandmothers and some dads. You read it and you see it and in general you know it. But how will it change? everyones life changes in different ways. I have found that loud noises bother me, and I cannot relax in my own bed, only on the couch can I really let myself relax. I have noticed a diet change, I eat less, sometimes faster, cause I don't have time to have a lot or to take too long. Little ones are not so good at being in one place too long. There are things that I refuse to compromise. I will not go out without makeup or in anything not clothes (sweats or p-jays) and. . . well that's all I can think of. . . and this is all I have the mental strength to write

a bit of a story

Staring at the floor the darkness seemed to swell and breath. As if it was alive, alive and waiting to swallow her up into oblivion. ‎"I wonder if it could be alive" she thought to herself. It was a notion that if said out loud would be laughable. In her head it seemed half possible. 

Maybe she read too many books. Maybe her imagination stretched too far. But she was sure that somewhere in all that dark she could see a figure. 

"No" 

 She heard the figure say. Wait, she thought, I heard the. . . 

"Yes child, I spoke" 

"huhngg..." Was the only noise she could make. She was not afraid. Not entirely, she just didn't know what she should say to a dark figure that had appeared in her room out of the darkness Slowly she collected her thoughts. 

"Why... Why did you say no?" Seems like a rather silly thing to say when you have appeared out of no where in a ladies bedroom is what she was thinking. However it seemed ill advised to run off at the mouth to some strange apperation in ones room, it might harm her. ‎

"I say no, because the answer to the first question I am asked is always no" its (his?) voice was rich but cold, like a long dead prince who still took his aristocracy very seriously. 

Her better judgment was slipping away and the urge to be sharp and sarcastic with this stranger reared up. She may be weaker than he was but she could at least verbally attack him. "oh you just know what everyone will say do you? just who the hell do you think you are?! coming into my room in the middle of the night!? flaunting your ability to see the future apparently, why don't you skulk on out of here you fucking ass before I call the cops!"  

Even before it was all out of her mouth and hanging in the air like sick damp fog she knew that the words had no effect, that he had rendered them powerless and dull somehow. 

"why not ask the question I know you will ask"

he stated this with the authority that you had to respect, that you couldn't walk away from. ‎"Are...are you a vamp..." She couldn't make the word form properly. She couldn't say it, it sounded silly and a little scary at the same time. 

"A vampire? No, am I a deranged murderer? No, am I a demon no, am I here to rape you... No." "What I am cannot be explained in any way that you understand." "There is no term no explanation for what or who I am, I exist and that is all you need have known."  

The fact that he was not a vampire relieved her more than any of the other things he wasn't. It was over done the whole vampire business, in books in film in the fact that it was the first thing that popped into her head. What on earth was he then. This strange being. 

 "Are you a..." She started to ask "there is little point in playing a guessing game" he interjected "I have told you there are no words for what I really am." "Although that has never stopped your kind from trying" his voice took a tone of exasperated amusement "the most recent being an alien" he chuckled slightly under his breath.

 

 

its a little bit funny

correspondence in any form is a funny thing. Letters and notes can be saved but if they are thrown away or destroyed who is to say that what was written ever was? Texting and instant computer messages even are susceptible, once a message is deleted can you really prove you ever read what you did, or wrote the things that you think you have? I have found especially late at night if I have talked or messaged anyone and for one reason or another those messages get deleted or I was particularly tired it all seems very dream like and as if it never happened. Which can be disorienting at times. In one part of my brain I am certain I had a conversation typed or talked, but in another part I ask, but where is the proof? 

selfish? moi?

I get this feeling sometimes that the world is against me. . . I think that was a big thing from late 70's to the 90's. . . I remember some movies characters having that problem. . . mostly Wood Allen I think. Anyways, I feel like I try to reach out to the outside world and I get shat on. I know in the back of my brain (the part that has reason in it) that people have shit to do, no on knows this more than I. Friends or who ever cannot be at my beck and call. I don't think I truly expect them to be. But when I text someone or write them a message or something I don't think it is too much to ask to get a reply. Perhaps more? I try to keep up with texts, messages, posts and e-mails because I know I hate it when people don't ever get back to me.

Well, thats enough tiny violin talk.

I am learning to drive! weeee its pretty fun and my teacher John is very nice, a little crazy, but nice. A very good teacher, he has a way of letting you know you did something wrong (when it is not a huge deal) without sounding like a dick, and at the same time let you know that he knows you can do better. I have recently learned my body has had quite enough of garlic and onions. Mostly lots and lots, like Italian food, and Greek food style garlic. Lotsa garlic. Makes me sad cause i used to LOVE onions. Now just makes me feel a little sick.
The little man is doing ok, sleepless nights are still here, harder now though because less and less works with him. We HAVE to start using baby whisperer methods but it is just such a HUGE project to take on  alone. Ben is back to work now. He seems ok with it. sore though.His feet and back hurt.

Well that was my thing for the night. ( I had garlic stuff so now I have to go brush my teeth a million times)

weeee

Got me a new tattoo! whoop whooop! it hurt like hell but was easier than labor. I will maybe post a picture on the blog. It is under wraps right now on tattoo doctor orders. The bandage comes off tomorrow!

So for some reason I just can't sleep. Can't get comfy can't even feel sleepy in my eyes. I have a sneaky suspicion that my hubby can't sleep either. I just couldn't stay in bed anymore, maybe it is because of getting my tattoo today and all the pain and everything and I am just all excited in my brains. Well whatever the reason I better figure it out soon! I need sleep or I will be a major cranky face tomorrow.

I'm sure I've posted this, but, I have the most amazing husband on the face of this earth! it isn't that he does everything and carries out all my requests all the time. . . that isn't what makes a husband great. It isn't bringing home a huge paycheck or looking like a movie star. Its him making me laugh, putting up with all the silly shit I do. Its when he knows that I need a break and just takes William for a minute, or starting the coffee in the morning. Installing the sink, fixing the, well whatever needs fixing. Being there for me and letting me figure out my sleep and how to get it back to being with him in bed and not on the couch. He loves me for who I am, who I want to be, who I pretend to be and who I will be. I want the whole damn world to know that he is the greatest, and I wish I could give him everything he deserves all the time. Thank you for all of your love my sweet man. 

WEEEEEeeeeeEEEE The baby boy slept like a log last night! 7 straight hours! wow.
Now for the other things. I got my  tax return and it is a pretty penny so after I learn how to drive, buy a vanity for the bathroom and a mirror for the bathroom, I might just get me a tattoo! yeeehaw!
So a new game has come out for the 360. Its called LA Noire. Basically you are a police officer/detective in the late 1940's. You have to find clues and read faces to see if people are lying and get confessions or whatever outta em. There are also car chases and gun fights and great stuff like that. I have been playing it for every free minute I get, and because of that I like to look up things about that era. So I end up finding a great singer Woody Guthrie, and an amazing photographer Dorothea Lange. As I blog a possible thunderstorm is on its way! it may sound weird but William sleeps real good during storms. 
I'm finding a real comfy little. . . I don't want to say rut but its kinda like that, but in a good way. I have my routine, and I'm really happy with what life is giving me, not just love and babies, but as dirty as it sounds, material things. You try hard to be above material gains, but having a nice looking house makes me feel good. and a nice looking house requires nice things. I find myself just smiling like a jackass sometimes just thinking about the nice things I have. I get goopy about non material things too, like William doing baby things or something like that. 

anyhoo, I just realized there is a mountain of dishes and laundry, better get to mah wifely duties!

Ah as my father pointed out I have not blogged in quite a while. There are many reasons for this. . . reasons I cannot remember but seemed important at the time. Not a whole lot has happened really, little things. We got 2 new rugs, they were on sale and with hardwood throughout the house a rug was a smart investment. William is army crawling! He does get up on all fours but then he usually cries about it. I think its because he doesn't know what to do next. We are into the land of Solid food and he LOVES it. So far he has tried prunes, sweet potatoes, butternut squash, apple sauce, pears, PEACHES, peas, Wax beans, carrots, mixed veggies. . . annnnd I think that is all. I guess I do the wrong thing by giving him fruit with his veggies, but whatever.

My hair is gone gone gone! finally I got up the courage to cut it off. There wasn't really much there, but I was worried that really short hair would make me look like a chubby butch lesbian (no offense to butch lesbians chubby or otherwise)  We have been working as much as we can on getting our bathroom finally finished though to tell the truth having a sink in the bathroom now will seem so weird. . . I have been exploring my cooking abilities in the form of pit pies and salads. It is nice to have something different now and again.

We have cleaned out A LOT of the basement. many many things got given away. They may have been ours they may have not been. To be honest if whomever the things belonged to hasn't asked us for them or asked about them by now they can obviously live without them. I myself threw away many sentimental items. They just make me feel weird and sad. . . like if I had lost someone close to me and I still had their things. . . like you feel like you want to go back so hard it hurts. I haven't lost anyone close to me recently, but that's how it feels for those of you who know what I mean. Anyways I didn't like that feeling so I threw the things causing it away. We still have way too many things, 6 couches. . . for a house this size. . . waaaaay too many. Sigh slowly but surely we will get rid of the crap.

William sleeps an average of about 4 hours, sometimes a little more, other times a little less. I still miss my old life a lot, mostly being able to yell at night, or not think about how loud footsteps in the hall can be. My hunny and I were so disappointed in the conservative majority. . . I think that it may be wearing off a little now. We can always rise up against them if they do something really really wrong I guess.

Well I think that about does it for what has happened. Now what is on my mind tonight. . .

**warning the following has stuff about icky lady things that may be offensive to some readers**


I am not a thin girl, I used to be, but after years of drink and a comfortable relationship that all changed. Anyhoo. After having William I'm not sure if it was going from small whale size to pretty chubby or what, but I have felt. . . pretty ok about myself for the most part. Well being a girl and having been preggers and breast feeding I haven't had a M-cycle for. . .oh fuck a year? maybe more. So I get it out of the blue, well there were signs but again after not having it for a year I sorta forgot such things existed. So here I am with a stupid M-cycle and I'm mad as hell, now I have to change the baby AND myself, I already had enough on my damn plate. So, not thinking I put on my face book status "dear body; I hate you regretfully yours Me." now nothing against anyone who posted on that status I know they were just saying something kind. . . and maybe they meant something different than how I took it. The way I took was "aw you are perfect even though you are fat" I mean I wasn't going there at all buts that how it was taken which leads me to believe I hadn't lost any weight from before the pregnancy and so on. . . Any how I feel like if I was thin like I used to be then people would have never taken it in the fat direction, they would have asked what was wrong. . . well thats what I was thinking about.

time to fold some clothes. maybe go to bed.

As I write this my son is in his crib, "talking" and kinda whining. I am having one of those days where it feels like the world is against me. It is silly to think that a tiny baby would be able to understand everything that is going on and then make plans to sabotage it. Today for example the bright spot would be me being able to go out with the family to get boots for Ben and then some groceries at Wal-Mart. But William has decided that even though he has been up since 745am he only needed to sleep for 45mins when put to bed at 1pm for nap time. It is driving me bonkers! I hear "don't keep him up too much or he will be over tired and hard to put to sleep" and so we give him one 2 hour nap a day no later than 1pm and then he is awake until 8pm. . . that worked. . . for one night. He seems to be hungry all the freakin time too, so of course we start to introduce him to food. He hates it. So then I think he just doesn't want to eat it because he wants me to be his boobie slave the rest of his life! it is a fleeting and ridiculous thought. At this very moment I just want my old life back. Once he smiles at me again I will not be able to imagine life without him. . . until then though.

Would it be wrong to let him just cry until he sleeps?

I wish I could be stronger, better at being a parent.

Ever notice how much better things seem when the baby is sleeping. . . ?  he is so amazing, so sweet so perfect, so smart. . . until he wakes up screaming. I have so many irrational feelings like I want to scream at him to shut up. . . but he doesn't know what that means and the yelling would just make him cry more.

Well I suppose I should get him and figure him out. . . but if anyone wants to take my baby and fix him. . . that would be just fine with me.

life is insane! William is stupid cute! and sleep is still non existent. 

politics, you sexy bitch

so. . . basically Harper and Layton want to do the same things. . . generally speaking. . . from what I can tell Harper is focusing a lot on prisons, and the army and Layton is focusing on family and education. What I don't understand is why Harper seems to think we need to protect our borders. . . I mean who the eff would invade Canada? we rock an everything but we aren't really the ones to be invaded. Also I do not like how, for lack of a better word, "American" Harper sounds about drugs. There is this crazy imaginary war on drugs. . . just leave it alone. There have always been drugs, there will always be drugs, the best thing to do is legalize a lot of it. why not?  especially Marijuana it would be a huge amount of money for the country, look at Amsterdam, I don't see the population going crazy for cocaine just because Marijuana is  legal. I am all for Layton. Firstly I just get a bad vibe from Harper. . . like if he were an animal he would be a diseased rat or something. Layton is a lot like a friendly chipmunk. Also from what I understand Harper wants to privatize health care. . .   I may be wrong about that one, still doing the research. Its hard to find sources that don't sound like legal babble, it sounds like we will do this if this is right but not that to make this right and if those both turn wrong this will turn right, not a solid statement, the other parties are just as bad. The last thing we should want, that anyone should want EVER is to have to pay for being sick, injured or having a baby. I don't want to live in financial fear because what if my baby gets sick and has to go to the hospital and once he is better we have to pay thousands of dollars? sounds lousy to me. I've also heard from my dear hubby that when health care costs us then our rates could go up depending on what you buy, there is a possibility that our receipt info could be sent to the companies providing us with health care coverage and then rates go up or down depending on how much "healthy" food you buy. . . . I'm all for being healthy and weight loss but that's a little nanny state for me. 

arrrgh

Its one of those days. . . William didn't sleep very well last night, Hubby and I both got frustrated. I have no idea what to do. He slept really well on Tuesday after a day with Nana, was it because she played with him lots? or was it because he only had a tiny nap? I don't want him to be over tired and hard to keep asleep. but I don't want him to be so well rested that he doesn't want to go to bed. . . This is all very frustrating. Well I have to do my best to put on a happy face for my husband. . . there's no point in both of us being upset.

For some reason I invest myself heavily in facebook. I'm not sure if its because I'm at home all of the time, or my real lack of friends. . . I know lots of people, but all my baby-less friends are busy having a life, and my friends with babies. . . well they are busy having a baby around. . . I'm in a sort of in between, I have a baby but want to be out or at least visited, but he isn't really on food yet so I don't and sometimes can't leave him for long periods of time. Any ways about facebook, I invest heavily and when there isn't activity on my profile I feel like I'm not worth anything, now I realize that's not true and that not everyone has every hour of every day free to be on the computer. Doesn't keep me from getting a sinking feeling.

More on the in between of motherhood, he is still enough of a mystery to me that I don't really have the time to do my own thing, like paint. If I could paint for an hour or two a day I think that would help. . . but I'm still learning about my baby and how to raise him and all that junk. So I don't feel like I can allot the proper amount of time for myself. . . well he is sleeping now. I tried to keep him up, but he is so cranky (he's been awake since 7am) I wish that babies came with manuals.

word to the wise

When you become a mom or a dad, you realize a few things very quickly; It is not that strange or gross to sniff a baby bum to check for poop. Whomever made baby clothes white is a complete idiot. You will never own enough shirts or pairs of pants, especially pajama pants and they will all get pooped on, peed on, puked on and have food flung on them. You don't have the time to be sick. Sleep is. . . wait what is sleep? As cute as they are baby shoes, baby pants and baby shirts have very little use to the practical baby. Babies are lightning fast. Spit up can get in more places than you ever thought. Lets end it on a gross note; you never thought you would be so forgiving of someone who pukes in your mouth, on your face, in your hair, in your crotch, and on your boobs, thinks its a good idea to rub it all over your favorite shirt and in the end makes you clean it up.

the stupidity of a few ruins the game for all of us.

I hate that baby walkers are illegal in Canada. Its illegal to bring them into the country in any way. They are illegal because there were parents who didn't make sure that the door to the basement was closed or at least gated. I shouldn't say those parents were idiots, because they probably weren't. It was just the one time they forgot, or didn't think that the baby would roll away that fast, or something like that. It still has wrecked it for everyone else. My little William wants to move like crazy, we put him in his exersaucer  and he just tries to go forward, he wants that freedom of movement. Its the same with baby bath seats. Impossible to find in stores because they are "dangerous" they aren't dangerous the parents just make mistakes, they may not be stupid people they just made a stupid mistake. If your baby needs a seat in the tub to keep them upright why would you ever take your eyes off them or your hand for that matter!?

The real stupidity comes from the products being banned or deemed illegal. For example; drunk driving and regular driving causes deaths and serious injury, why not ban cars and booze? no one would think of doing that we just punish the people responsible. Lets not forget food, food makes us fat causes people to have high cholesterol and heart attacks not to mention people choke on food, lets make solid food illegal too. I mean how stupid does this all sound? completely stupid. Yet they made rolling baby chairs illegal. . .  why didn't they just punish the parents?   

its been a banner week

Well William is starting to figure out how to fall asleep on his own! wahoo. We have not yet had a "full nights" sleep but I'm sure he is working on it. Not sure if I noted that he is sleeping in a full crib with no bassinet! I have been watching all the Harry Potter films this weekend. They may be a little silly but when you think about it they are entertaining and safely entertaining. By safely entertaining I mean not quite feel good but not quite action and not really a kids movie. Its hard to explain. We had some really nice days earlier this week, so nice in fact that my dear hubby took the little ones for a walk and left me alone! unfortunately nice weather also means people want to have fires. . . well sane people have fires once it is summer and they have them maybe once a week or every two weeks. Our neighbors however are nut jobs and want to always have a fire going, even if they are not there. No big deal you may say, well its a huuuge deal once it gets warm and the only means of cooling our house is air flow through open windows and the air just smells like campfire. I admit I love having fires and the smell is nice when you only smell it once and a while. I do not enjoy having a house filled with the smell. Well they were having a fire, left unattended, and so my knight  in shining denim went over to their house and presented their mail box with fire bylaws. If we see the trend of last summer continue we will report them. Not to be dicks but we have a baby now, he is our priority. Also if I see their kid throw rocks at my dog again. . . grrrr I don't know what I'll do! but only one person can be a jerk to my dog and that's me!

So logging on to the blog the other day I notice I have another follower! very exciting. of course that does not mean that my blogs will always get read or even commented on, but someone  thought enough of what I have to say to click "follow" and for that I thank you.

William and little Eve will be meeting their Great Granfolks this weekend! I'm excited and nervous. They are coming to my house to visit and I want it to look. . . nice. . . or at least presentable. One day I will have a little 2 story house with a proper kitchen and finished basement. . . one day. Until then I have a house that I'm trying to turn into a home, though  it is hard when it is treated like a storage bin/garbage dump. I think I would really like to close my eyes and just start throwing things into a big huge bin thing to be taken away by the city. I bet if I don't look at it I won't even miss it.  But like I said. . . one day.


We have stopped getting the National Post. We had a free trial. . . I have A LOT of unread papers in my house right now. I love the Post but it is SUPER hard to read it when I have a baby and a dog and a house to take care of. . . . again one day I will have time to read the paper.

Well that's all for now I have the little man asleep and I need some "me" time.

Parenting tip

always keep a picture of your child smiling or being sweet or silly somewhere you go at least once a day, like on the fridge or as the desktop wallpaper on the computer or the screen saver. . . I've found it helps to see proof of how wonderful William can be when he is being a little cry monster.

Sometimes I wish I was alone, like no husband, no dog, no baby, and no problems with drinking booze (for some reason one day my stomach decided it didn't want booze ever again) and I could just smoke smokes and drink beers by the river and not think of what to make for dinner or how much longer I can stay away before my  hubby runs out of milk for baby. . . and then I see William smile or he makes his dinosaur noise. . . and I know that I can't live without him, and then my husband will surprise me by taking the baby out just so I can have me time, or he makes me laugh till I almost pee myself. . . and I know that without him it would be just living not living a life. My point is, no matter what I wouldn't give up my boys for the world. 

oh, and I guess the dog is ok too.

into the wild blue. . .

I escaped the house without the tiny terror today! got some great new clothes that make me look like the mom that I am. In Wal-Mart I saw my good friend Crista, whose water had broken this morning. The doctor told her it was only "partially" broken and the baby was blocking the rest. So what else could she do but go to Wal-mart and get the last minute supplies that she won't want to go get for a few weeks. As her fiance cleverly stated "we're in Wal-Mart, if the rest of the water goes there are tons of towels and pants to choose from!" ha ha ha ho ho ho ho. 

Ever since I got onto Maternity leave I have been watching a TON of old shows (I dream of Jeanie, Bewitched, The Brady Bunch. . .) I miss old shows, not like I grew up with them. But watching them and they are so simple in their comedy and stories or completely out of this world in their stories, but at least it isn't  those tanned weirdos with strange names like "the situation" where are the Hillbillies, the large families or slightly off colour jokes?! (I love all races and creeds by the way) being tolerant and respectful is pretty awesome, but there was a special time in TV when they weren't being outright racist or bigoted, it was like everyone was free game and they were all treated the same. . . I don't think anyone should be persecuted for who they are EVER. At the same time I think it is worse to almost really point out that there are differences by tip toeing around any off colour joke. . . I don't even know if I am making sense anymore. . . oh well that is my heavy thought of the day.

the end of the day

Today I learned; to grin and bear it, not everything can get done in a day, that William will one day be able to understand English and I can ground him then, no matter what bad stuff happens tomorrow is a new day!

ewww that last one was DRIPPING with cheese!

anyhoo g-nite dad (he's the only one following me)

sleeep

I've put the lil caterpillar in his bed awake hoping that maybe he would figure out how to sleep all by himself. I get really worried that I won't be able to figure this out. My husband needs his sleep and HATES the sound of the baby crying. So I feel like I shouldn't let the baby cry ever, even though it seems like that works a lot of the time for a lot of people. Letting the baby cry that is. Many moms get pretty choked up when their baby is crying and they are letting them cry it out, not me, maybe I am just mean or hard on a baby of 4 months but my opinion is "you are safe dry and fed. . . now sleep you little poop head!" he isn't going to hurt himself in his crib. I think I may have to step out of my 1950's house wife head space and ask for my sweeties help. . . he is terrible at night, a bundle of doom and gloom. . . but I don't know if I can do this on my own. 

is it always wrong to want to revenge on a baby?

My son is beautiful, wonderful, sweet, and I love him more than anyone or anything. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to ground him for life for the way he keeps me up. Anyone else who did this to someone could be described as torturing a person, causing them to be sleep deprived. So that makes me think why haven't we evolved the right way so that we are connected to our babies in a way that makes sleep deprivation impossible? either naturally evolved or found a way for science to work for us! I hope that science is trying to find a way to read baby cries/ minds. If not science is a waste of time. Forget world hunger and curing disease science! I want to sleep and I want to sleep now!

and so I wonder

How should I be writing this? like a diary? or like an essay. . . ?

The more things change. . .

I am a new mom. My son was born on November 15th by semi emergency C-section. It was semi emergency because he wasn't in danger it just wasn't planned and he had no intention of coming out, or my body had no intention of letting him try. Its now been 4 going on 5 months. Being a mother and a wife is full of challenges; how to balance cleaning the house with cooking a well balanced meal and raising a baby. Its hard enough just taking care of the baby! William (my son) is demanding and charismatic. He wants it all and he wants it now, and you can't even be mad at him for long because he gives a smile that can melt ice. Every night is hard right now, he is old enough to sleep six hours at a time, but he won't. He can roll over and take rice cereal but he will be damned if he's going to let me sleep a wink! ok so that's a bit of a stretch. I can get a few hours here and there, enough to keep me from the funny farm but not enough to keep me from being a bit loopy.

Having a baby changed our lives in ways I didn't even know they could change. I like the dog a lot less now, and I know she doesn't always deserve it but she is the subject of misplaced rage. I live on the couch, almost never go to bed with my dear husband. Which breaks my heart, but at this stage there is no point in going to bed and then waking up to William in an hour and toting everything back out to the couch. . . I feel that in this respect I am a bad wife. I think if we were formula feeding then this wouldn't as big of an issue, I would wake up more to get a bottle ready feed him and put him back down. Even feed him in his own room. As it is I breast feed and that takes a comfy spot and a pillow or two for support, before I know it BANG! I'm asleep at the wheel, and by wheel I mean while William is eating. 

In the long run I'm happy to be a homemaker. I wish more women felt the same. I think it is what our youth need. Not the power moms that work and cook and clean. The moms that are home when they get off from school. The moms that are happy to cook and clean for their family. I don't mean that I won't teach my children how to wash dishes and do laundry and cook and clean as well, and not to say that my loving hubby doesn't help out in any way I ask him to. I just think that when a woman becomes a wife and mom her priority should be her home and family. That isn't for everyone, some family's can't afford to have the mom not working, or maybe the wife/mom just cannot wrap her head around staying home. Its not that these homes are any worse off or are the cause of all societies problems. Many homes with both parents working are happy well rounded and well fed. My concern stems from the stay at home mom being persecuted or even thought to be a victim of being behind the times. I think that some  traditional values are important and knowing who has what job keeps a home happy. For my family that means I take care of the baby, I clean, and I cook. My husband gets the money, takes out the trash and moves heavy things. 

Well that's enough ranting for my imaginary readers for now. I'm off to do the dishes! 

SUPER MOM AWAAAAAY

first blog

Whooo popping the blog cherry! don't have time to really say anything tonight. Its bath time for the baby and he is getting sleepy fast. Well one day maybe someone will read this and other posts.